


Alone

by waitineedaname



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ghosts, Heavy Angst, M/M, References to Depression, skammonth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:13:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitineedaname/pseuds/waitineedaname
Summary: It all ended with a screech and a crash and Isak was alone.





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, angst. My old friend. It's been a while since I've written something angsty, but I used to be really good at ripping people's hearts out. Hopefully I've still got it <3
> 
> This is for skam month! Week three, day two: angst

It had all ended so suddenly. One minute, Isak was smiling at a text from Even saying he was about to swing by and have lunch with him at work. The next, he was getting a call from Sana, telling him he needed to get to the hospital now, that she’d just watched Even get rushed by on a stretcher to the emergency room. 

He moved faster than he ever had, but he was still too late.

Any time someone dies, they’re too young. But Even really was too young to die. He hadn’t been able to celebrate their tenth marriage anniversary, or buy that house they were looking at, or adopt that kid, or accept his first film award. He was only twenty-nine. He was too young.

Isak barely remembered the days that followed it. He remembered crying a lot, but mostly being numb. The funeral seemed felt like a slow blur, like he was trying to move through water that was too thick, or that he was stuck in slow motion while everyone else moved normally. Memories of that day came in chunks, with moments of darkness between. He remembered the guys all hugging him with bloodshot eyes. He remembered Eva pulling him to her chest and rubbing his back in soothing motions that really should’ve helped, but didn’t. He remembered sitting with Even’s parents and he remembered Even’s mom holding his hand tightly, rubbing the ring on his finger like it was a memory to touch her son through. He remembered looking across the aisle and Even’s oldest friends, huddled together. Mikael was sobbing the hardest, he numbly noted, curled into Adam’s side. Mutasim had his face in his hands for most of the time, but when he pulled away, he was red and tearstained. Elias looked numb and confused, and Yousef sat with his arm around Sana, the two of them staring resolutely ahead with tears streaking down their faces.

They’d all known Even much longer than he had, Isak remembered. They’d lost a brother. He’d lost a husband.

The apartment felt cold and empty when he left the funeral. Even when Even wasn’t able to leave the bed, he’d still made the place feel warm. His presence made it a home. Now it was just an empty, dimly lit room.

Isak’s dress shoes echoed too loudly as he dragged his feet to the bed that felt too big, too empty. He curled up, and he began to cry. He couldn’t remember doing much else than that, lately. 

\-----

Isak couldn’t sleep. 

He hadn’t been bothered by his insomnia since high school -- not since he’d been with Even. Curled on his chest, he slept solidly and without interruptions. But now-

Now he barely slept at all.

He lay awake night and day, staring at the wall, the dresser, the ceiling, not really seeing any of it. This went on for days, and he didn’t realize it had gotten as bad as it had until Jonas found him unconscious on the floor when he’d passed out just walking back from the bathroom.

Jonas came over a lot nowadays. He’d taken care of Isak when things got bad before Even. And now, he seemed to be determined to take care of him after Even. He’d gently remind Isak to shower, or drink some water, or change his clothes. When he realized Isak wasn’t eating, he’d bring over takeout or some instant food. Jonas wasn’t the best cook, but Mahdi sent him simple dishes to deliver. Isak didn’t really taste any of it, but he appreciated the effort.

There was only so much Jonas could do, though. When he left, Isak would go back to how he was before he got there: curled under the duvet in a pantomime of sleep, and staring at nothing when it inevitably didn’t work. Even when Jonas was there, Isak couldn’t bring himself to speak more than a handful of short words. He knew it hurt his friend to see him like this, dull-eyed and empty, but he couldn’t help it.

Even with Jonas visiting every day, he had never felt so alone.

\-----

When it happened, it was the middle of the night. Jonas had left hours earlier, and wouldn’t be back until he left work the following day. Isak had stopped counting how many days it had been since he last slept - or, more accurately, since he last passed out - but he knew it had been a while. He was staring at the corner of the dresser, not really seeing it, when he felt it:

The smallest, faintest of touches - barely more than a puff of air - brushing against his lip. Isak’s breath hitched and he felt it again. It was light and small and-  
And it felt like Even’s thumb, playing with the arch of his cupid’s bow. Just like he used to.

Isak’s eyes filled with tears and the touch moved and grew - from a thumb on his lip to a hand on his cheek. And Isak began to weep.

Big, wet tears spilled down his cheeks as he convulsed with ever increasing sobs. The feeling left his cheek and his sobbing only intensified. 

“I miss you.” He called out to the room between hiccuping sobs. 

The empty room didn’t respond. He was alone.

\-----

It happened almost every day after that. The timings were random and the touches were always slightly different, but they were always so soft, and so gentle, and so incredibly Even. Sometimes it was a finger tracing his eyebrow, or a cradling touch to his jaw. Sometimes it brushed through his hair, or cupped the back of his neck. Isak wept every time.

One time, it was more than just a hint of a finger or a hand. It was arms around his waist, and a chest against his. There was no warmth accompanying it like he remembered, but it was there. He was there. 

That one was the worst of them.

 

\-----

Isak had taken a shower without Jonas’s urging for once, his own stench getting a little too much for him to bare. He hadn’t really been paying attention as he dried off, only looking at the towel rack and himself. But then something on the mirror caught his eye.

He looked up, eyes wide, and watched as a shape was drawn in the steam-fogged glass. His heart began to pound as it began to take form: a heart, drawn with that little line down the middle. Blood rushed in his ears and he began to hyperventilate. That- That-

“Isak?” Jonas’s voice outside the door made Isak jump. “You in there, man?”

Isak looked back at the heart and watched it slowly lose its shape as the steam dissipated. He opened the door and found Jonas’s worried eyes - always worried, these days - on him.

“Shit, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost, what happened?”

“Nothing.” Isak said with a shaky breath. “It’s nothing.”

\-----

Isak laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to do it, but it was two in the morning and his rational thinking was out the window. He opened his mouth and began to talk.

“I miss you.” He said, his quiet voice filling the empty room. “I think about you all the time. All the things we did. All the things we didn’t get to do. Everything we said. Everything I didn’t. I- I miss you so much. I love you, baby. I-... I just miss you.”

The room was quiet for a while. Silent moments passed for long enough to make Isak start to kick himself for being so stupid and hopeful when-

“...-ss you too…”

Isak gasped, eyes wide and ears straining. The words sounded distant and quiet and slightly distorted - as though they were coming through water in a room across the building. But as he listened, they slowly took shape and became identifiable. 

“...-ove you so much, Isak...no idea how much I want to be with you...”

Isak let out a mix of a sigh and a sob. “I love you too, Even. I wish you were here.”

\-----

Isak was sitting up in bed, his laptop on his legs. He’d slowly begun to pick himself up and put himself back together. He could hold conversations with Jonas again and he showered more than once every two weeks. It wasn’t much, but it was progress.

The lab he worked with had been very understanding and let him go on leave for a long time - they understood what losing a spouse did to a person - but at some point he had to get back to work, so they compromised and let him work from home. It was difficult and took a lot out of him - he usually had to lie down afterwards - but it was nice to accomplish even tiny things.

Even was sitting next to him; he could feel the weight of his head on his shoulder, and the brush of his legs next to Isak’s. 

“I can’t believe you understand all that science-y stuff,” came Even’s voice, quiet but more tangible than it used to be, “You’re so smart.”

A smirk tugged at Isak’s lips. He began to open his mouth to respond, turning instinctively, and froze.

He was there. The curve of his eyelashes, the smile lines by his eyes. The moles on his cheeks and the full shape of his lips. He was there. Sure, if Isak focused, he could see the dresser through him, but he was _there._

Even lifted his head and started to turn to face Isak when he found Isak’s eyes staring directly at him. Realization crossed his face and his eyes widened in shock. Happy tears began to spill out of Isak’s eyes and he all but threw himself at the figure beside him. Even let out a shaky laugh and he hugged Isak back tightly, as if he were scared that he might lose contact at any moment. 

Isak pulled himself up a bit and planted a kiss on Even’s lips. They were cold and there was no air escaping them, but they were just as soft as they always were. Isak kissed him long and hard for as long as he could, filled with the joy of being able to see and touch the man of his life again. When he finally had to pull away, Even’s hand found its way to his cheek, cradling it gently.

“I missed you. So much.” Isak said, breathless with his tears and the kiss. His heart swelled as he saw - actually _saw_ \- Even smile.

“I missed you too. I’m here.” He pulled him back down and hugged him to his chest. He whispered his words with a shaky sigh. “You’re not alone. I’m here.”

**Author's Note:**

> Isak loves his ghost husband
> 
> I can never hurt my kids for too long, I always end up giving angst fics a happy ending. Hope you guys liked it!


End file.
